I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
