farters have to be the big spoon...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
