I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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