I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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