the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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