I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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