just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
