FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
