the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
