I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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