i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
