Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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