I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
