We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
