just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
