I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize