my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize