im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
