And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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