I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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