she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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