I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
3pm strippers are depressing
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i need to put some appletini on your dick
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
