I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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