I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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