a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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