Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
