It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
