No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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