Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
