i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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