New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
