He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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