he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
