I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
