things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
