She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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