I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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