I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize