if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You took a bar mat shot.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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