the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize