i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The struggles of a small town man whore
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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