I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
