I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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