Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
