Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
