what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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