I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
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