Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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