Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
