giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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