you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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