Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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