Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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