sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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