If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
