i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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