Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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