I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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