My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
