this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
