I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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