just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
