dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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