You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize