I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Your dad touched me again.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
